1

August

In over my head

I feel like I have just done a leap from the high dive and am plummeting down into the deep water and can’t seem to go up and get a breath of air.

Vegas was a blast.  It felt so good to get away for a few days with my two best friends.  It was wonderful to not have the demands of mommy.  I could just be me and have fun.  I ended up having an allergic reaction to the aromatherapy they used at my massage on Wednesday.  Thankfully it didn’t ruin a full day in Vegas, since we were traveling home on Thursday.  It did make travel a challenge though.  I didn’t see the kids until Friday morning (well, I did see them when I checked on them before I went to bed, but they didn’t see me at all).

Friday morning I went to the doctor for the allergic reaction.  He told me to take Claratin to help.  Once we got home, I took a Claratin and some ibuprofen.  I don’t remember much else of the morning.  I now I took about a 3 hour nap in the afternoon.

Yesterday was the Anderson family reunion (Robert’s mom’s side of the family).  There was a good turn out.  I’m glad we went.  We didn’t make it last year due to me being quite pregnant and miserable and on self-declared bed rest.  The kids napped just a short bit in the car.  They were both very tired and whiny.  Robert went out to mow the lawn while I stayed in with the kids.  I tried to get Warren to eat some solids, but he absolutely refused.  I gave him some small chunks of a very ripe banana.  He inhaled that.  As soon as he would run out, the screaming started again.  Laura was demanding attention.  I tried for over 30 minutes to get Robert’s attention to get some help.  I even went outside to wave my arms at him and he still didn’t notice.  I was at the end of my rope.  I came back in and just sat in our room for a few minutes.  Of course Warren is still screaming at me and Laura isn’t sure exactly what is going on so she is asking questions.  Once Robert gets in, Warren happily eats the pureed baby food for him.  This wasn’t the first time that Warren refused to eat for me.  It is becoming a habit/pattern.  I am at the end of my rope with it.  I don’t know what else to do.  I honestly feel like he doesn’t like me a lot of the time.

This morning both kids slept in.  Warren got up shortly after 6 (which is sleeping in since he usually is up 5:15-5:30).  Laura slept until shortly after 7:30.  Since Robert has been getting up early with Warren, I got up today to let him sleep a little bit.  Warren was happy while eating his bottle, but that was it.  Then he fussed at me most of the morning.  I tried putting Warren back to bed around 7, but Robert ended up getting him back up.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I never thought that I’d feel like the inferior parent.  I used to be so confident in my parenting, but now I don’t know how to do it anymore.  Robert is always so calm and just steps up.  I quit.

This morning I think we are staying home from church.  We discussed how even if we go, the kids are difficult enough we aren’t getting anything out of church.  It just isn’t worth the battle most of the time.

Another part of my unhappiness today is I found out at the doctor yesterday I gained quite a bit of weight since my last doctor visit, which was only about a month ago when I went for the sleep study follow up.  I feel like I am never going to lose the weight I want and to look like I want.

22

July

Life in the Fast Lane

“Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind”

I feel that is my life for the next week.  Today I need to do laundry.  Tomorrow morning I pack up for a flying trip down to DeForest.  Tamara’s step-dad passed away and we are going down for the wake.  The funeral is private, so we won’t be attending that.  We will come back up Saturday afternoon/evening.  Sunday morning Robert has communion assistant duties.  I need to pack for Vegas.  Then Sunday evening I am heading over to Mandy’s for the night.  Our flight departs at 6am Monday morning.  We will need to be up by 4 and out the door shortly after.  We will have a blast in Vegas.  I am really excited and looking forward to having a few days away with my girls.  We have talked about doing a weekend in the Dells.  The fact we are doing Vegas for 4 days is a dream come true.  I’ll have a week home, then Robert and I are in the Dells for a week for our anniversary.

Last night we went up to Bona for dinner.  We got back pretty late.  I am dragging today.  I know it was my choice so I can’t complain too much.  It was nice to get away for an evening even though I am getting away next week.  As a result of getting back late, I didn’t get a lot of sleep.  I don’t have the patience I normally do with the kids.  I’ve already snapped at Laura a few times this morning.  Warren is being a pistol too and wanting to play with what she has.  Right now she is wanting her computer.  That is something I can’t make her share right now.  It really is just for her.  He is too little to understand it.  He just wants it because she has it.

Time to get going on laundry.

20

July

Musings

I watched a lot of Lifetime Movies yesterday.  One part that struck me was a single mother just had her baby.  She was living with her parents at the time.  She made a comment along the lines of it was the hardest job ever.   At times it seems to get easier, but there are just new challenges.  This hit home for me.  There are days that life seems to get easier, especially as the kids get older.  However, there are always new challenges presenting themselves.  The new challenges right now are figuring out potty training for Laura, solids for Warren, and the two kids playing together without fighting.  I will eventually figure out how to tackle these, and then there will be new challenges.  Even when they are 18, there will be new challenges.  Just because they will be considered legal adults, they will still need parental guidance.  I hope that they will continue to seek it then too.  I hope that I can remember this on the days when I am stressed out.

Warren is taking steps now.  He can do about 5-6 steps if he really takes his time.  Once he falls down he just crawls.  He does like to see what big sister is up to.  He also likes to pick on her.  Perfect example was while we were at Mom’s last week.  Laura had a pile of cars she was playing with.  Warren went over to check them out.  Mom gave him a pile to play with.  His weren’t good enough.  He had to have hers.  He is starting to say “ga ga” now.  He does a less clear “ka boom”.  He likes that one though, especially while knocking down a tower of blocks.

Laura is still a smart cookie.  Her Dora obsession is still going strong too.  She has certain episodes that she loves.  Thankfully we have those on DVD.  She prefers those over the ones that air on tv.  I’m glad we have a large selection though since the tv station keeps changing the line-up times for Dora and Diego.  I turned on the tv at 8 this morning for Dora (the usual time) and it was SpongeBob.  Ick.  So now she is watching a favorite DVD.  I keep trying potty training with her, but not much success yet.  She will happily sit on the potty.  She will even go on the potty.  She just doesn’t realize that she is going.  I think I’ll try again in a few weeks.  I know that I just have to keep trying and catch her actually going.

I am trying to do a regular work out routine.  Yesterday morning I got up early and did some stretching exercises.  I figure I should start slow and work up to a full blown workout.  I need to get the stretching in to get my muscle used to being worked.  Next week I’ll be in Vegas.  I am so excited to have a girls week with Mandy and Jess.  All of us are ready to run away for a little while.  I will miss the kids, but knowing that Robert is home with them will make me feel better about it.

This summer I have made strawberry freezer jam.  I am looking forward to making salsa once my tomatoes are ready.  I wouldn’t mind trying out other canning sometime.  I think it would be nice to put in some strawberry plants next summer, so we’d get strawberries in 2012.

Well, time to give the kids some attention.  I need to get Warren down for his nap.  I also need to reply to some emails, and line up a visit to Helen’s sometime this week.

11

July

Families

Tonight we somehow started singing “Jump Around”.  I can’t remember how we even got started.  Robert then played the song on the stereo.  He and Laura were having a great time dancing to it.  Warren was laughing at the sight.  I was just enjoying taking it all in.  We then proceeded to play various dance songs from the 90s.  It was loads of fun.

I spent some time getting things pulled together and packed tonight.  The kids and I are heading to DeForest tomorrow morning for the week.  I have the clothes packed, and most of the other stuff sitting out just waiting for bags.  I may even start stuffing some bags full tonight yet.  Right now Warren is getting cuddles/comfort from Robert.  I want to keep it very low key until he is back in bed.

Warren’s sleep is slowly improving.  He will wake up one time usually around 10 or 10:30.  I typically don’t get up with him.  We let him cry himself back to sleep.  He is still waking up between 5 and 6 though (5:40 is a typical time).  His naps during the day seem to be improving as well.  Of course now we are heading out of town so everything will be messed up.  At least Robert can get caught up on some sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I have gotten the results of my sleep study.  Everything looked normal.  No sleep apnea, nothing unusual.  We did bloodwork to see if something was off there.  I got the results in the mail yesterday.  Everything is within normal ranges, no Lyme’s disease either.  So I’m at a loss.  I think I’m going to really work on getting to bed earlier.  I am also hoping to start working out regularly.  I don’t know if maybe my depression is starting to creep in or not.  I figure it definitely can’t hurt to take 30 minutes to go for a walk or do something.  Wish me luck!

I’ve been thinking lately about different family dynamics.  There are some families where the siblings are always close.  They always know what is going on with each other.  I had always dreamed that I’d be apart of one of those families.  The reality is that I’m not.  I hardly ever talk to my brother.  I know what is going on because of Mom.  I will text Tamara once in a while.  I know that it takes effort on both parts.  I know that Tamara has a hard time truly opening up to people.  I am the same way.  Put the two together, and you have two people that like each other (At least I hope she likes me.  I have no reason not to!), but have a hard time really getting to know each other.  I don’t know what happened with John and I.  I know that he will always be there for me if I need him.  We just don’t talk regularly.  I never know when a good time to call would be.  He also isn’t like me where he can call and just chat about nothing for 30 minutes or more.  Through all of this, I just hope that Tamara knows that she is a part of the family.  I’m so glad that she and John got married.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful person as a sister-in-law.  I hope that she feels truly welcome into the family, and not an outsider.

Time to head to bed.  Tomorrow has potential to be a long day.  I am hoping to be on the road by 9am at the latest.

5

July

Weekend Recap

I honestly can’t remember a lot of my weekend. I’ll do what I can for a recap:

Friday – I had my weekly morning coffee at church.  Robert stayed home with both kids so I could have a bit of a break.  After coffee was over, I went to the local strawberry patch and picked strawberries.  I literally got them just in time. I started picking at 9:40 and they closed for the season at 10.  When I got home, Rich was here with Luna and Alice.  We were going to go pick strawberries but then found out they had closed.  Instead, we went out to lunch at a local Chinese place.  It was a good visit.  I honestly don’t remember what we did for the rest of the day after the kids napped.  I do remember that I stemmed all the strawberries and mashed them up to prep for making strawberry jam.

Saturday – In the morning I set up swimming pool for the kids.  I was so excited to try it out since they love taking baths and splashing.  Wouldn’t you know they both hated it.  I think the biggest problem was that it was too cold.  Laura just wanted to swing.  She threw a fit when I made her at least stand in the water.  After naps, I made a shortcake from scratch.  I found a recipe that looked easy enough to try.  It turned out great!  We ate 3/4 of it that night.  Later, our neighbors had a bon fire going, so we went over for a bit. I ended up staying out until 11:40.  Warren of course didn’t sleep real well that night, so I was dragging all day Sunday.

Sunday – We actually made it to church as a family.  I honestly don’t remember the last time I went to church.  Usually, I stay home with the kids since Warren is napping then.  In the afternoon, we both took naps while the kids napped.  Robert let me nap even longer and got up with the kids.  In the evening, I started on the strawberry jam.  I made freezer jam so I didn’t have to deal with cooking it and the water bath.  I made 13.5 jars that night.

Monday – I had my doctor appointment this morning for my sleep study follow up.  Once I was back home, we headed up to Dallas for lunch.  We were pleasantly surprised that James, Annemarie, Caitlin, and Owen were there too.  On our way home, we stopped at the barn so the kids could see the cows.  We started with the baby cows for Laura.  She loved them, but didn’t want to touch them really.  She did keep saying they were so happy and they were smiling.  I held her hands (really didn’t want to pick her up since she had been walking around the barn) so we could look at the big cows.  I told her that they were all mommy cows.  She seemed to like that idea.  We made sure to stay in the center aisle so we saw the faces.  She wanted to walk behind the cows, but I don’t think she would have liked the response cows give to being startled.  Would make a mess and scare her.  When it was time to go, Laura didn’t want to leave the cows.  I guess she really bonded with them.  We told her that we could see them again when we came to see Grandma Kathy again.  On the way home, we stopped for a few items at the grocery store, such as bread, more canning jars since we’d run out, and a rotisserie chicken for dinner.  We had about 30 minutes to cook dinner and eat before Robert had to leave for a meeting at church.  Laura actually ate the chicken and rice with us.  As a reward for eating the chicken, so was able to have yogurt.  She was quite content with that.  It worked out nice that dinner was over early so I could give Laura a bath without being rushed.  She even had time to play afterward, which is quite unusual for her.  Once both kids were in bed, I finished up the strawberry jam.  I made another 5 jars tonight, so a total of 18.5 jars made for the year.  I am thinking we’ll try out the half jar tonight on an English muffin.

So this morning was the follow up for my sleep study I did. Nothing stands out from the study. Everything looks normal. The doctor asked about depression, but this is different feeling that what I felt when I was depressed before. Now we are doing bloodwork. We are checking counts and thyroid levels. I also mentioned how a year ago Robert had Lyme’s disease but didn’t realize it. I think we’re testing for that as well. I just want an answer for why I am so exhausted. I can’t hardly do the housework and keeping up with the kids is hard. I usually sit on the couch so I can see most of the activity. I just don’t have the energy to be on the floor with them or actively playing.

I am trying to convince Robert to buy a box of peaches this year. I would like to try canning them. So far he hasn’t agreed. I’m really getting into the canning this summer. I am really excited to make salsa later on.

29

June

Quiet Time

It is currently quarter after 6.  The house is quiet.  Warren woke up at 5 this morning.  Robert, being the good man/daddy he is, got up with him.  I got up at 5:50 to take over so Robert could go back to bed.  Warren fell back asleep at 6:05.  I debated crawling back into bed, but decided it was time to do another update on here.

Things have been ok.  This past weekend (Saturday) Jess stayed with the kids while Robert and I went to Tomah for the truck and tractor pulls.  It was so nice to get out without the kids.  It was really warm.  Ok, it was just plain hot!  I ended up getting fried to a crisp.  Today is the first day I can even bear to have a t-shirt on touching my sunburn.  The pulls were fun though.  We ended up leaving the evening session before it was over though.  The heat had gotten to Robert pretty badly.  It was a good thing we left when we did.  There were big storms moving in.  We hit them at Osseo.  We ended up getting off the interstate at Hwy 128 because it was so hard to see anything.  Jess said the kids did great and she had fun.

Sunday was a low-key day.  Once Warren went down for his morning nap, Robert joined him.  I put in a Diego movie for Laura and dozed on the couch.  We all ended up taking decent afternoon naps too.  Not much else happened on Sunday.

This morning we’ll be going outside.  I told Laura last night while trying to get her to bed that we’d go out.  It is supposed to be a gorgeous day today.

Laura is now hooked on yogurt.  She is asking for it a breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  She even asks for it for snacks.  I’m limiting to one a day for right now.  I know it is good for her, but she needs to keep some variety in her eating.  My little girl never ceases to amaze me.  A few days before her birthday, I asked her how old she is will be on her birthday.  She replied, “I’m going to be 3.”  To put that together at such a young age in amazing.  She loves to do the reading games that are a part of Nick Jr online.  She is also starting to put rhyming words together.  Yesterday she put some of her letter magnets together.  She had 4 of them, the first being an L.  “That say Laura.”

Now, all of that said, I wish she could put into words her feelings more.  She loves her brother.  I have no doubt about that.  However, she still has the jealousy at times, and just wanting him away from her.  Those are the times when she cries, screams, and pushes him.  Of course this mainly happens during the day when I am alone.  It is hard to sit one on one with her to talk to her about it when Warren is climbing on me, or still going after her toys.  I am trying to remember what it was like to be little and use that to help too.  For example, last night Robert was on the floor wrestling with Warren.  Laura kept wanting to be a part of it.  When Robert sat up, she started to climb on him.  I don’t think it clicked for him what she was wanting.  I told him that she wanted to play with him just like he was playing with Warren.  I remember wanting to wrestle with Dad like he did with John.  I however, wanted it a  little bit gentler, but didn’t want to say so.  The part I struggle with is Warren wanting to see what Laura is doing and her getting upset.  I was like Warren.  I was always wanting to see what my big brother was up to.  Of course, he wasn’t so keen on that idea.  He got tired of his little sister being in his face all the time.  I need to get Laura to explain that Warren just wants to see.  I also need to get Warren involved with something so he leaves her alone more.  As I told Mom on the phone yesterday, “Parenting is like a juggling act.  You keep all the balls up in the air, and if some drop you hope nobody notices.”

As for myself, I guess that I am doing ok.  I am struggling with some personal issues right now.  I’ve mentioned them to Robert, but we haven’t discussed them really.  When it’s all boiled down to the basics, it seems like it comes down to trust.  Hopefully we can find some time to talk soon.

20

June

Birthday Recap

Laura’s birthday party went well.  We had a decent turnout for it.  She ended up with two princess dresses, swim suit, couple of water toys, and books.  I still need to write the thank you notes.  I’m hoping to get that done in the next day or two.  As a gift from Mom and Dad, Laura and Warren got a swing set.  They arrived Friday (the 11th) and left on Tuesday (the 15th).  Laura is in love with it.  We bought a half bucket swing for her, since I thought she’d be getting too big for the baby swing.  Well, guess which one she only wants.  She is too scared to go in the half bucket. I have lots of pictures of the swing set construction and Laura playing on it.  I also have a few pics of Warren swinging.

Laura had her 3 year appointment on Wednesday.  She is 35 pounds even.  She was 37.5 inches tall. She did not do well at the appointment.  She freaked out when trying to get her height, getting her blood pressure taken, head measured, and being examined.  The only parts she didn’t freak about was when they listened to her heart/lungs and being weighed.  It was a bit of a long appointment.  I wish I knew why she freaked out so much.

I had my sleep study done Friday/Saturday.  The night one was difficult because the tubing for my nose went behind my ears.  When I laid on my side it hurt.  I woke up several times during the night.  I don’t have sleep apnea though.  I stayed pretty much all day.  I had to try and nap every 2 hours.  I was surprised to learn that I did actually sleep at each nap.  My follow up appointment isn’t until July 5th.  I am just ready to know what is going on.  I’m having a hard time even focusing to get this entry written.

Laura is having a day out with Daddy today.  They are going to the Science Museum with Joe and Johanna.  Current plan is to go with Joe, Melissa, and Johanna to go swimming this afternoon at the YMCA.  I honestly don’t know if I’ll go or not.  I have to find my suit and see if it fits.

17

June

Funny Girl

Me:  “Laura, are you poopy?”
Laura:  “No.  You check?”
*she walks backwards to me*
*Look, and yes, she has pooped*
Laura:  “Oh goodness.  Oh goodness.”

While waiting at the doctor yesterday:
Me:  “Were you a good girl today?”
Laura:  “Yeah.”
Me:  “Were you naughty?” (She hadn’t been naughty that day.  I was just asking to see what she’d say)
Laura:  “No, I can’t be naughty.”

8

June

Dentist Freak Out

This morning was Laura’s dentist appointment.  I had hoped she’d go back on her own, but that wasn’t going to happen.  It took a bit to even get her to sit in the chair.  As soon as the chair moved up, she started freaking out.  It only went down hill.  We didn’t get her teeth cleaned.  We were barely able to get he dentist to look at her mouth.  We’ll try again in 6 months.  I am thinking that Laura will watch Robert get his teeth cleaned, so she’ll get an idea of what to expect.  It happens that they both have appointments the same day, with Robert at 8am and Laura at 9am.

My baby girl turns 3 in 4 days.  It just doesn’t seem possible.  3 years ago I was on bedrest and totally miserable.  I could only think about getting the baby out!  Now here I am preparing to celebrate her third birthday.  I am so torn.  I want to be able to give Laura so much.  I want her to have everything.  Yet I don’t want her to get everything and be totally spoiled and expect to get everything she wants.  It is such a hard place to be.  I am looking at all the accessories to get with a play set.  I want to get a wheel, telescope, swings, handles, and so much more for the kids to play on.  I am also encountering this with the other birthday presents.  I had so much fun shopping for her.  I wanted to just keep buying more and more.  I had a hard time restraining myself.  I ended up getting more than originally planned as it is.

I am really looking forward to this weekend.  Mom and Dad are getting here Friday night (after kids are in bed).  Saturday will be spent getting ready for the party.  The party is going to start at 3.  Hopefully the kids will have decent naps by then.  Before Saturday, I need to get the house cleaned up.  I am hoping I can work on it during the next few days so evenings won’t be spent cleaning.

Time to get lunch before one of the kiddos wakes up.

8

June

Married vs Single

No, I am not considering the single life.  I just got to thinking, that Mandy and Jess never really got to see me through most of my singleness and most of dating.  The three of us really got close during Blocks, which were junior and senior years of college.  Robert and I hooked up during my sophomore year.  They never saw me go through heartbreak or crushes.  This whole thought process has been prompted by watching Sex and the City.  One of the episodes I watched was singles vs married people.  They made it out to be that married women were threatened by the single women.  I personally am not threatened by single women.  Robert has lots of female friends, mostly married.  Something else the episode “explored” was married women wanting all their friends to be married as well.  I look at Mandy, Jess, and I and the three of us are all in such different places.  Sure, Jess and I are both married and Mandy is single.  However, Jess and Travis most likely won’t have any kids.  It’s not that they don’t like them.  It’s just a personal choice that I won’t go into here.  So while Jess and I are the married ones, Mandy and Jess are the child-free ones.  Mandy and I tend to be the crazier ones, pulling Jess out of her comfort zone so much of the time.  So to make this come full circle, it is interesting to me how 3 (or 4) women can be so different or in different places in their lives and yet stay so close.  In the end of SatC, 3 of them end up married, 2 with kids, and 1 stays the single lady enjoying the single life.   With the three of us, 2 are married, 1 with kids, and 1 is not sure if she’ll get married (and she’s ok with it).  Amazing how a fictional tv series can provoke such thoughts.