I have just finished watching Sex and the City. The entire series. At one point towards the end, one character Samantha gets breast cancer. It is caught early on and everyone in the show believes that Samantha will be fine. At one point, Samantha and Carrie (one of her best friends) are sitting together talking. Samantha starts talking about her fears she has with cancer. Carrie immediately pipes up with the spiel of you’ll be fine, they caught it early, etc. Samantha stops her and says she just needs someone she can talk to about her fears. For some reason, this really struck a chord with me. I am coming up on 10 years of being cancer free. My odds weren’t nearly as favorable as Samantha’s (although I didn’t know it at the time). A few rounds into my treatment, I remember vividly at one point talking with a friend saying that some days I just get tired of fighting. I think this freaked her out. She told me I was to never talk that way again and that I’d be fine. I am older now, and I hope a little bit wiser. I know she didn’t want me talking that way because she was also scared. I think she was afraid that if I talked that way I would give up hope. What I needed was a friend who would listen to my fears. I didn’t speak up all those years ago and tell her the same thing Samantha told Carrie, but now I wish I would have. I needed someone that I could talk to about all that was happening to me. Moving ahead again, I am going to be celebrating my 10 years. I will be having a party on October 24 (which is the day I was told I was cancer free 10 years ago). I know that it will be in the afternoon. I’m not sure what we will all be doing. I need to start sending out invites/information to people and make plans. Anyone have a suggestion for activities?
Have you ever felt like a relationship you are in is in a rut? That things just aren’t as exciting as they used to be? When relationships first start out, it seems that there is so much excitement and wonder. You are getting to know the person, they are getting to know you, and you just want to be together a lot. This is true for friends and significant others. I fear that one of my relationships in is a rut. That newness and excitement is gone. I feel like we take each other for granted. While I have this going on, I have another relationship that is drastically changing. I am saddened by this but also excited and a bit nervous to see where it goes. I know that relationships are ever changing. They cannot stay the same since we as humans/people are ever changing. I guess the best we an do is to make sure the lines of communication are open and hold on for the ride of a lifetime.
I was able to get some closure today. It was Bennet’s funeral this morning. Ever since we arrived last night, the Rust family has accepted us in. While we are family, we are the great nephew with the wife who married into the family. Not all families would be so welcoming to the extended family like they are/were. While I don’t want to take anything away from Bennet, it was also a way for me to have a bit more closure for Grandpa. I wasn’t able to make it to his funeral last July since I was so pregnant with Warren and already having complications. The service at the church was a nice one. The sermon wasn’t quite what I would expect at a funeral, but it is what the family wanted (I am assuming here). We did make it out to the cemetery for the interment. Bennet was buried with full military honors, which included gun salute and taps being played. I totally lost it with taps. I was immediately remembering Shane’s funeral. We went back to the church for lunch and had a nice visit with various members of Robert’s family. It was an unfortunate circumstance that brought everyone together, but it was a good visit and a great chance to meet more of the Rust clan. Once we left the church, we went out to the cemetery where Grandpa is buried. We easily found his grave. I was able to have a few moments on my own to talk to him and say my goodbyes. It was so nice to be able to do that. I feel like I am no longer missing that final piece. As I was walking back to the car, I noticed a headstone a few over that said Hyer (Grandma’s maiden name). I walked over to check it out, and sure enough, it was my great-grandparents. I took a moment to think about them. I am so glad that we named our son Warren. I hadn’t realized that it was a family name when I picked it, but it has so much more meaning now.
On the way home, I told Robert that I felt like this provided the closure I needed. I am so blessed to have the husband I do. He then told me that he really wanted to come for the funeral hoping to provide me with some closure with Grandpa. Such an awesome man I have. 
The drive home went really well. We stopped in St. Joseph so I could get a little bit of a snack since lunch wasn’t much. Laura and I both made a potty stop there as well. Warren stayed in his car seat the entire time. He started getting fussy by the time we hit the Twin Cities, but crackers held of a total meltdown. He was more than happy to get out and walk all around the house again!
I am tired and had a long day, but I wanted to make a post yet tonight. We are currently in Estherville for Robert’s great uncle’s funeral. We both left work early, picked up the kids, ate a quick lunch at home, packed even quicker, then hit the road at 1:30 this afternoon. We made it to St. James before needing a stop (2.5 hours into the trip). Laura was wearing a pull-up in the car just in case she needed to go and there was nowhere to stop quickly. She was still dry at the stop we made. We got back on the road shortly after. Warren did NOT want to get back in his car seat, but I didn’t give him much choice in the matter. I fed both kids water and crackers as we drove. That made both much happier (it was 4:30/5:00 at this point). Once we checked into the hotel, we went to the funeral home for the wake. Both kids were running around being a bit crazy and loud. Thankfully it was a small crowd there. People looked and smiled at them. I also figured that Bennet would want them running and being happy. He wasn’t the type of person to make little kids be quiet. The family arranged for food to be served at the hotel starting at 7:30 this evening. The kids were not going to wait that long for dinner so we ended up eating at Pizza Hut. Once again, Warren out ate Laura. The current plan is for us to get going fairly early in the morning. We are going to visit Grandma for a bit before the funeral. The kids’ moods will determine the rest of the day. There is the interment ceremony at the cemetery and then a lunch at the church. We’ll see how the kids are doing before deciding what we will all attend.
Have you ever watched a movie only to find yourself still thinking about it days, even weeks later? I saw that Juno was on tv, so I set our DVR to record it. Granted, it was slightly edited, but it was still better than renting a movie. I honestly didn’t know what to expect when watching it. All I knew was that it was about a pregnant girl. I didn’t even know how old she was. Turns out that she is a 16 year old girl who gets pregnant the first time she has sex. She decides to give the baby up for adoption, but then complications arise between the adoptive parents. I am not going to say anymore than that so anyone who hasn’t seen the movie won’t have it given away.
When watching the movie, I was just engrossed it in. I didn’t really think about it too much or think about how I would react in the situation she was in. It has been a week and I find myself thinking about that movie more and more when I have some down time. I think about some of the decisions she made. I think about the feelings and emotions that go along with those decisions. It is becoming one of those movies I just can’t shake off. I usually prefer to watch the chick flicks where it all ends happily ever after and leaves you nothing to wonder about. This is def
I did not receive a phone call from the doctor this afternoon. I am semi-relieved. I will feel better once I have the results in my hand.
Today was a good day for us. Warren took a good morning nap. In fact, I ended up waking him up. We had to get going to River Falls for Shirley’s retirement party. It was fun to be back for a little bit. I’m looking forward to working next week. I was talking with Helen this morning about how we are going to handle things next week. I’m letting her take the lead with Laura’s potty training. She has much more experience than I do. We also discussed Warren and him eating table food. She has plans for how to handle all of this.
I was very proud of and impressed by Laura today. I had her sit on the potty before we left the house around 10am. I had her sit on the potty twice while we were at TBS, but she refused to go. I told her not to pee in her undies or car seat. She held it until we got home. Granted, it was a big release when she finally went, but she has the control. Since she had just gone, I put her to bed for nap in just her undies. I did not put a diaper on her this time. I ended up waking her up at 5pm so she’d sleep tonight. She woke up totally dry and then went and used the potty. I am so proud of her! The next step is getting her comfortable going on the big potties. I may try to work on that next week, and I know Helen will work on it too. I am still amazed at the progress she has made in just 2 weeks.
The kids are in bed, so I have more time to elaborate on my previous post. As I mentioned, I’ve been noticing Laura getting unexplained bruises. She is a very cautious and safe child. She won’t even go down the slide on the swing set unless she is holding your hands. I have no clue how these bruises keep appearing. I finally made her an appointment to see the doctor. Warren had his 1 year appointment, so we just stuck her in the slot right before. We made it through the blood draw. It was just a finger poke. We didn’t have to use the butterfly needle and find a vein, thankfully. However, you’d think that’s what we did to the poor girl. She fought it the entire time, even before they pricked her finger.
Now is the hard part. I hate the waiting. My mind keeps going to the worst case scenarios. I’m bracing myself to hear that my little girl is sick. I am hoping that everything is fine, but the little voice in my head is saying otherwise. I have been through cancer myself. I know how painful it can be at times. I know the feelings that are so hard to understand. I know how it is to be so different. I have always said I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am praying that my little girl doesn’t have to go through it. I am hoping that it could be as simple as a vitamin deficiency or something like that. The results should be in tomorrow afternoon. If there is anything unusual, then Dr. Steinmetz will call me.
In my head I know that worrying isn’t going to change anything. The results will be the same whether I worry or not. That isn’t stopping me though. I am hoping that I can sleep tonight. Robert hasn’t expressed much thoughts/feelings on the issue. I don’t know what he is thinking right now. I just know that I’m scared for my baby girl until I get some answers.
We are back from the doctor’s office. Warren weighs 23lbs 12oz. He is 29″ long. He is 50-60% for everything. He did get two shots today. He recovered pretty quickly. Once we got home, he was CRABBY. I gave him some ibuprofen about 20 minutes ago, and he is feeling better already.
I had Laura checked out because she will get bruises on her legs for no apparent reason. She isn’t a rough and tumble kid at all. My mommy instinct is telling me that there is something wrong. We are doing a blood count to see if anything stands out that way. The results will be in tomorrow afternoon. I’ll get a phone call if there is anything abnormal, but otherwise the results will be mailed. Laura weighs 37.5 pounds at 3 years 2 months old. We didn’t get a height for her.
We are back from our vacation in the Dells. It was good to get away. The timeshare we were at wasn’t one of the best ever, but it wasn’t bad either. I really liked having a place to retreat to and where we could cook our own meals and not eat out so much. We were able to hit Noah’s Ark on Monday. Tuesday was doing the Ducks ride and the Upper Dells Boat Tour. We chilled for a bit in the afternoon. That evening Dan and Trish came up to visit. We went out to MooseJaw Pizza. It was good to see them and catch up. Wednesday we spent the day at Mom and Dad’s for Warren’s birthday. The kids were both ready to see us again. Warren was napping when we got there so he had a nice surprise when he got up. That evening we did cake and presents. Warren went face first into his piece of cake. He thought it was good stuff. :) Thursday was spent with Liz and Corey. They originally told us they’d be there between 9 and 10. At 10 we got a text message that they were just leaving Appleton. We were not impressed. We went out and played two rounds of minigolf on our own. I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for them any long. We had already waited an hour. Once they arrived, we went out for lunch. It was really hot and humid on Thursday. We watched The Blind Side during the afternoon. Around 5 or so we went out to play a round of minigolf (different location than the morning). We then walked Broadway (downtown area). It was nice to be able to visit without worrying about kids. Friday was our last full day. It rained most of the day. Finally in the afternoon the rain cleared for a little bit. I had been wanting to go on the roller coaster at Timber Falls. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go if it was lightning and thundering like it had been earlier. Once it cleared though, we went. It was still raining a little bit, but not enough to interfere with the ride. We killed a little bit of time then went to the Tommy Bartlett show. Really wasn’t all that impressed. Saturday morning we got up, made breakfast, packed up, and headed out to pick up the kids.
Saturday evening was a true challenge for me. I had no patience for the kids. The smallest things were setting me off. I felt like such a bad mommy. It was close to the same yesterday too. We skipped church again. This morning I am doing better patience wise. I am also taking the easy way out. I have lots of PBS kids on. I am having some major cramps going on this morning and don’t feel well. I’m hoping this all passes soon.
As I sit here on the floor, I am wondering if I need more to my life. Laura is working on potty training this week. She is doing really well with it. Yesterday she only had one big accident. So far this morning she has yet to actually pee on the potty. This is good in that she can hold it. Bad in that she isn’t letting it go. I only put a diaper on her for sleeping. I am debating trying going without for nap time, but I really don’t want naptime to be cut short. I figure it will only take a few times of her waking up in a wet bed for her to learn. She isn’t at the point of catching the feeling soon enough to run to the bathroom though. Such difficult decisions.
Warren has started self feeding. He prefers to have bits of food on his tray to eat. We just stocked up on pureed foods, so maybe I can work those in while he is feeding himself. I worry about him not getting enough when he feeds himself. He is starting to walk more. It amazes me how much tougher he is than Laura ever was or even is now. He falls down and he just rolls over and gets back up. If he cries it is only for about 10 seconds unless he truly hurt himself. He definitely has a stubborn streak. He will consistently go back to areas he knows he shouldn’t be in. He has taken 2 trips down the stairs. He still goes to the gate to see if it is latched. He is a boy without fear. This puts fear into me!
Now, even with how much I am loving being home with my munchkins, I feel like I need to work. I see some people talking about work, and I can’t help but feel that I should be in the workforce as well even if it is just a few days a week. I know that I’ll be working a bit at the end of August/early September at Textbook Services for fall book issue. It is not a guarantee, but most likely I’ll be working starting in October to take over Shirley’s job as assistant manager. Current plan is that I would work just one day a week from October to January. Then in January I would work 2-3 days a week.
And now here comes the battle from within. I feel like I am doing the most important job in the world by raising my kids. Millions of women have this for a career and are fulfilled by it. I know I am unique and I can’t compare myself. However, I can’t help but feel like I am not doing the best I can by feeling like I should be at work. I also know that there are women (my mom being one of them) that are better mothers by working and having that time away. I feel like I am just in limbo in so many ways. I have my teaching degree although my license has expired. I have no desire to actually teach anymore. I enjoy watching the learning process, but I’ve seen what it is truly like with Jess and Mandy. I don’t want to deal with the backstabbing of co-workers and the politics of the school board. I like the office work. I like my 8-4 and then leaving my work there and not bringing it home with me.
Well, time for me to start pulling lunch together. We are getting Warren’s one year pictures done tonight, as well as a family picture done. I’m hoping we get a really nice one to hang up. I need to figure out outfits for each of us. During naptime I am hoping I can get a nice shower in. So much to do!