A while back, when I was bored Robert suggested that I write about how I feel about becoming a mother. I’ve been mulling it over, and it is not something easily put into words.
Right now I am enjoying being pregnant. I really took my mom’s advice and am enjoying all of this while I can because this is the only time I get to be pregnant with this child. Each pregnancy is unique. I am looking forward to the labor and delivery. My current plan is to not use drugs of any kind. I know that it is going to hurt like I’ve never experienced before. But I’ve read enough birth stories online of women who did it naturally and felt so empowered afterwards. I want that feeling. I know though that if the pain becomes too much for me, then I’ll take something (not sure what yet). I can’t wait to see what this little person inside me is like. What he or she looks like, what the personality will be like, etc.
Once Thumper is here, life is going to be so different. There won’t be anymore lazy weekends, no more running out really quick for one or two items without it becoming an event to leave. But I know that I won’t give it up for the world. I have ideas of how I would like to raise this child. I have ideas of what we will or will not do. However, I also know that none of that can be set in stone. Some kids just do not work with certain systems and you have to adapt.
I really wish I didn’t have to work after having Thumper. However, I know that we need the income. My only worry is that I won’t get enough sub days to pay for the daycare we have lined up, so it’ll end up costing us money for me to work. Maybe we can see how things work out this summer and re-evaluate the situation. I remember working the infant rooms at daycare centers and how many milestones were hit during the day. I don’t want to miss those. I want to be there for my kids as much as I can be. I have no worries about the daycare we have, but I just wish it could be me at home.
Robert is going to be a great father. I see him interact with some of the kids at church, and it is so fun to watch. My heart is going to melt the first time I see him hold our baby. I know he had a time in his life where he didn’t know if he would get married at all, or ever have kids. It makes me so happy that I can give this to him.
I am excited to see the grandparents holding their first grandbaby. For John and Kathy, it will be the first grandchild. For my parents, Jonah has the title of first grandchild, so this is the first grandbaby. Both sets are going to be fun to watch. I know that Kathy is ready to be a grandma, as well as my mom. Visits home to either one of them will be so much fun to watch. I am also very fortunate to have these ladies be the grandmas of my child. I have read some stories from other pregnant women about the expectations of their own mothers and mother-in-laws that make me shake my head and roll my eyes. Some of them expect to have the baby all the time, get to do whatever they want with the child (even if the mother says no), and all sorts of crazy things, some of which put the children in danger. I know that my mother and mother-in-law will respect my wishes and not have any crazy expectations. I fully expect them both to shower my children with love and attention. I expect that they will spoil them from time to time. 
However, I know that they would NEVER do anything to potentially harm my children.
Whenever I picture myself as a mother, I see myself with babies. I have a hard time picturing myself a mother to a 5 year old, 10 year old, or teenager. I’m sure that as the kids get older that the image won’t be hard to come up with.
One fear that I do have is that I am not ready for this. I’m afraid that I’ll love having a baby for a day or so then want to send it back to its mother; however, I’ll be the mother. What will I do when I am just totally stressed out/fed up with/frustrated with/etc. with the baby or life? I can’t just walk away like I do now. Who will be there to help me? That is when I’ll be wishing we had family closer. I could ask one of the grandmas to take the baby for a little bit while I gather myself together. Then I think that maybe I’ll just love this baby so much that I won’t want to leave it. I’ll never want to give it to someone else to care for. Then I’ll burn myself out that way. I have to find a balance somehow.
March 12th, 2007 at 12:06 am
Who will be there to help you, eh? I would like to think that I’ll be there with you every step of the way. We’re in this together after all. I love you (both) lots and lots!
March 12th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
I know you will be with me. I sometimes forget that I don’t have to do everything on my own and be Superwoman.
We both love you too.
March 12th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Ok. you have the best husband ever.
March 12th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I would like to think so.