Not Dead

I’m not dead.  I just haven’t had the time/ambition/motivation to post much lately.  I need to write tonight to get things out of my head.  I should be in a great mood.  I had a day out with my two best friends.  We did a beginner’s pole dancing class together.  I loved it and had a blast.  I wish we had the money so I could do it more.  Afterward, we went out to lunch at Pier 500.  The food was great.  We opted to skip the planned movie and ended up back at Mandy’s to watch a movie.  Much less crowded, cheaper, and able to drink booze while watching!  Sounds like a winning combination to me!  Jess left after we watched Burlesque.  Mandy and I watched The Ugly Truth together.  We then had a deeper conversation.

We started talking about having confidence in ourselves.  I am starting to build confidence.  I don’t have as much as I would like.  I still look to other people to reaffirm my feelings about myself.  I don’t know why I can’t feel like my own feelings are good enough.  Why do I need the approval of others?  Isn’t confidence not needing that?  I also compare myself to others.  I see what they look like.  If I am not similar, I feel like I’m not good enough.  I am jealous of what they have.  I have been working hard at losing weight.  I’ve gained a bit of confidence in my body.  I am liking how I look.  Yet I still doubt myself.  I brought up a few memories that were less than pleasant.  I thought I was over them, but I guess I’m not.  It has put me into a funk again tonight.  I wish I knew what the answer was.  I think I just need to force myself to go work out on a more regular basis.  I’ll force myself to go tomorrow morning.  Something tells me that even working out more won’t solve this one though.  :(

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