I’m not sure where to even start anymore.  I feel like I’m not living life, more like I’m going through the motions.  I’m trying to make a huge effort to engage with the kids and have open conversations.  I am my harshest critic and I feel like I’m failing.  Yet I look back at this Thanksgiving weekend at Mom and Dad’s, and I feel like super woman.  Mom had foot surgery so I did a large portion of the cooking and clean up from Wednesday-Saturday.  On top of that, Mom and I made efforts to play games with the kids and cut down on the amount of time they were on electronics (tv or tablet).  They loved the attention and learning new games.  However, by the end of Saturday, I had enough of doing all the work while Robert watched videos on his tablet or read his book.  My only chance to really relax was after 8:30 when the kids were in bed.

Coming home today, we pulled the van up next to the mailbox so that we could get the mail.  He got too close and ended up scraping my mirror on the mailbox and left some ugly scratches on it.  I honestly don’t know if he didn’t realize how close he was or if he wanted to show off how the mailbox will spring back to its original location (snowplow proof).  We went and picked out our Christmas tree for this year.  By the time we got home, I just want a big sign on me saying “Leave me alone!”  I don’t think Robert realizes where all this is coming from. Deep down, I’m afraid that if I confront him with all of this, I’ll be the one apologizing, and I don’t think that I should be.  The other possibility is that he will say he is a bad hubby/father, which he isn’t.  I don’t want to have to comfort him after telling him how frustrated I am.

More on just going through the motions of life rather than living:  work is piling up with projects for me to work on, Laura has the school play this week which I somehow ended up volunteering to help with several nights, Laura and I have a chiropractor appointment on Wednesday evening, between play performances, church programs, teaching Sunday School, Girl Scouts, and Cub Scouts (which is on Robert), I have no clue how I am going to get things ready for Christmas.  I refuse to decorate the house when it isn’t clean.  I don’t know when it will be cleaned at this point.  The kids are definitely old enough to help at 10 & 8, but I also get tired of yelling at them to help out.  I had to schedule when we were going to visit Santa (Dec 16) since every time before then is so full.  I am feeling like I am not getting to make choices for what I do and it is all about the kids.  I know that this is only for a limited time overall that I’ll be scheduling my life around the kids, but it is hard to keep that focus right now.  I’m tempted to take a day off work so I can be at home, cleaning and getting the Christmas decorations out and get cookies made.  That may actually require 2 days, but I know I can’t afford to be gone that much unpaid (very minimal PTO available).

Time to give kids attention.  Hoping to write more later.

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